More thoughts

Samok Daddy the chickenhearted is checking in for the day. Tomorrow is the day that I see the doctor and he'll give me the referral to get the special examination that I need. I've shared what I'm doing with close friends, my spiritual mentors, and "the girls" in the office. Since we work in such close quarters, it's pretty obvious when one of us is off, so the girls deserve to know why I'm acting weirder than usual. They've been great and very supportive of me...all telling me that this is something I need to do. I alternate between being lighthearted and a scared little boy, who feels like he' s got the message to go to the assistant principal's office and has to face the music for something he's done. J's been awesome and sat on the sofa with me last night and just let me rest on her and she stroked my head. You know I'll feel really stupid if this is a minor thing, but I guess I'm just not at peace yet.

I called my brother last night to talk to him. I trust him with this more than anyone. Right after he was married and when he and Connie were expecting their first child he was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis. He went through hell and had his colon removed. His internal plumbing has been reconstructed and he's led a normal life for many years. My symptoms don't reflect colitis, but since this is basically the same area of concern, his words were comforting and bouyed me up. In the last few years Scott and Connie have truly deepened their faiths in God and I hear it in his voice over the phone when I talk to him now. He reiterated the "one day at a time" thinking that has really been a part of my life for quite a while-somehow it disappears when fear intrudes. He paraphrased the story of the "lilies of the field" to me and it made more sense. I can't worry and have to put everything in God's hands-he's got it all and he really does a pretty good job of taking care of things.

You know this might be a good experience. This may be life changing, whatever happens. Can I be looking at life in a different way now? What things need doing? What's important? Do I need to draw closer to God? These are all questions that seem to be swimming in my head right now. I guess it's time for me to ask God to throw me a life preserver...I think it's time for me just to hold on and let God pull me to the dock right now.