Here it is Monday and I sit here at my desk confused. I'm crabby and pissed and I really don't want to talk to anyone here at work. I can sit here at my desk and claim ignorance to my shitty mood, but you know what. I know why. I don't like to be wrong. That's the bottom line and it's really freakin' stupid...Ya know...when you're wrong and you know it.
I hate to admit when I'm wrong...and it's over two flippin bags of buns. I came in with the buns because we are supposed to having a little party in the office for one of our coworkers, who just got her BA this week. I couldn't remember, but I was sure I was to buy the buns...well, I guess I wasn't and was reassigned to the chips. I was a little vocal about the fact that I was sure about me and the buns, and one of my coworkers...one that likes to tell me when I'm wrong and has no compunction about pretty much telling me "how it is"...told me. I responded to her by saying that I didn't want to hear it and went back to my cube. You know, I wish I wasn't the only guy in the office. I would like to unleash a little of my male "inner me" and just say a few things that I could say amongst men. Yeah, I was wrong, I'm in charge of the damn chips... Here's your effin' chips!!!
Maybe it's Monday...maybe I didn't sleep that well last night...oh shit, I don't know...maybe I'm experiencing a male version of PMS... I don't know, but I don't want to talk to anyone in the office and I just feel out and out cranky and a little mean. It's really a shitty space to be in...sitting in my own resentment.
I want to tell my coworker that this wouldn't have happened if she hadn't have chimed in so bluntly that I indeed was supposed to get the chips...but that's not the point now is it? So what if I think she was wrong in the way she spoke to me this morning...Isn't it about how I behave? I can either respond immediately in an acidic tone and be an a-hole to her and everyone else in the office, or I can drop it and be decent to my coworkers. I have this spiritual mentor who asks me this question a lot..."Would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy?" Most of the time he asks me that when I'm angry about the way someone has treated me... and I'm sitting in the middle of it and stewing...thinking over and over again about what kind of a prick or jerk the person who said or did something to me was. In the end...I want to be happy. Being happy and getting pissed and resenting someone and steaming about it are really incompatible. They can't occupy the same little space in my brain.
The simple fact of the matter is this...I'm writing this because I know that be doing it, I'll be reminded of the simple truth that my answers don't come from someone else's apology. In the end, it's just me and the big man upstairs, who helps me through these little quagmires I like to drop myself in.
So, I guess I'll go and be decent and actually be nice to that particular woman. And...when it's all said and done, I guess I'll go buy the chips.
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7 comments:
We are having a luncheon at my work on Wed. I jumped at the chance to give $5 for the deli platter. No mixups there.
And nothing for Mrs. Joe to have to make.
It's good that you were able to process through that.
My only question is, what if I want to be right and happy?!? :) Or one more--what if only being right will make me happy? These are the thoughts that will destroy me. :(
Above Avg. Joe-Hey, if you can stay away from opportunities for mixups...more power to ya! Mrs. Joe probably thanks you too!
Beloved-My problem is that if I am right...I'll hang on to the resentment twice as hard...because of course...I'm right. That will ruin a perfectly good day that could be spent on much healthier and more fun things than my being right. You're right...they are destructive!!! You are probably smarter about that than I am. You more than likely don't go down that road as far as I have...I do A LOT of dumb things and have to learn from them...ouch.
sometimes though, having a blog to vent to allows you to move through your feelings and then . . . move on. (that's the calm side of me saying that - the other side of me wants to scream.)
but good for you for realizing that you have a choice (and for picking the better choice).
Angie-Yeah, it's a definite truth that blogging does let you process things. If I blog about what's going on, I am exposing myself and leaving myself vulnerable to the whole blogosphere-that's the thing I worry about sometimes...But, the value, at least for me is that I am exercising my writing muscle. Writing every day expands my mind and makes me a better writer.
As you can see, I'm definitely using the blogosphere to vent all my past repressed grievances... and THAT makes me both right and happy. Right because... well, they're so wrong... and happy because I'm not holding onto resentments. "I'm free! I'm free!" (helps that it's somewhat an anonymous in that almost no one from my real life reads the damn thing...)
That said... I hope the buns didn't go to waste. With coworkers who like to point out others' mistakes, I've learned (the hard way) that if you pretend not to hear them, they sometimes will change their tactics to be heard, i.e. point out your triumphs... such as, "Great buns! Who needs chips when you got buns?"
MN-Glad to hear from ya! It's always a good day when you come to read and give me your perspective. Being free from it is what it's all about. Keep letting it rip! You are a fellow traveler that I always look forward to reading or hearing from.
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