Changes

This weekend our church sponsors a very large rummage sale. Members have been going through basements, garages, and spare bedrooms to find items that are useful for others and can help the church with its annual funding. Our baby items were sitting and just gathering dust. We had a height chair, a baby swing, a boingie chair (for lack of a better term), two strollers, and a crib to give. The crib was that final domino that fell that let us know that we were a house without a baby. Our children had crossed this invisible line from tiny, totally needy ones, clinging closely to us to small, bold little independent soldiers, marching with their shoulders back and eyes forward. Goobs and the Bun shun our attempts to grab their hands when we walk to get ice cream, the girl pulling away and screaming, "No want to..."

I put the stuff in the back of a truck we had rented from Home Depot this evening and went to the church. As I dropped the goods off, I got that feeling in my stomach...it was something I wasn't expecting. It was a longing for the sense of being daddy to a true little one. It was like there was a hole in my chest and that feeling of longing was a low grade ache that just seemed to grow by small measures as I put the crib in the church storage room and with the walk back to the empty truck. The solitary drive back to home depot was a time for the feeling to sink in. It was just me and my thoughts in the truck. I was left with my memories of both kids as babies. I realized at that point it was okay to have that ache. It's part of what being a parent is all about. That emotion is what makes me human and part of a family... It's not something to be ducked or shunned.

I took the truck back, got in my car and drove back home. I walked in the house and Goobs ran up to me to say hello. He was naked...he had escaped from J while she was getting him ready for his evening bath. He was excited to see me and shouted "Daddy, where were you?" He had some things to report to me about his day, which he shared with fervor. The Bun was in the tub and I could hear her splash around and she also shouted, "Daddy!" I was home and in the middle of it with my family. Yes, it's different now. Yes, they're bigger. But, we are growing as a family, and it's cooler than I can describe.