Birthday thoughts

I woke up at 3:00 in the morning yesterday and couldn't get back to sleep. I suppose this happens when you have a birthday and you're not ready to cross some sort of invisible line that says you're a year older. It's only one day, just like the one before it...but why does it suddenly mean a person's older by a whole year? What's with that anyway!!!

There I was in bed, staring at the ceiling fan with hundreds of scenes of my life flashing through my brain. Three questions just kept repeating themselves over and over as I replayed wonderful, exciting, sad, and miserable situations that had marked me and made me who I am... What have you done, what will you do, and who are you? Okay, maybe I was being a little overly dramatic, but not being able to sleep and having these things run through my had at that time of the morning was really pissing me off. Sleep would have been much more preferrable to laying there and reviewing your life.

Okay, it wasn't that bad because we have a comfortable bed. J was off in la la land, snoring away. It was just me and my thoughts. I thought about going out and sitting on the deck in a lawn chair, but a. I was too lazy to get up and do that, and b. I knew that someone would show up outside the back yard and ask me why I was sitting out there in my underwear. That left me with one choice...to lay there and hope that I would fall alseep for an hour and a half or so before I was going to get up. I laid there, but sleep and relief didn't come.

I mentioned that I had three questions running through my head. The first one...What have you done? I really haven't followed a traditional track in my life. I didn't get a good job out of college. I searched, bounced around, and didn't do anything substantial. I ended up as an enlisted man in the army-God knows they don't make fortunes. There have been benefits though...The army sent me to language school and gave me opportunities to travel and learn. That opened doors to Korea, which wouldn't have happened otherwise. I've been able to teach and become passionate about assisting students in reaching their goals. Without following that path, I would not have met, fallen in love with, and married J. Now we have Goobs and the Bun and are a family. After that little run of logic, I have come to the conclusion that what I have done is enough. It's been a good run so far!

What will I do? You know with another birthday here, my head automatically starts calculating how much time there is to retirement. The first thing that comes to mind is...you only have so much time to do things. How much earning potential do I have left? Can I provide for my family? What about college for the kids? How can we afford everything? This question basically got my head aching? What about that mini-van I want (that whole mid-life thing about the little red convertible sportscar...I'm not there just yet)? After a good half hour of this spinning around in my noggin, just one sentence came back at me. "Suit up and show up and the rest will come." Hell, I don't know what's going to happen. I am starting a Masters program in Educational Leadership at the end of October. I'm staying at my job. There isn't too much more to it. If I suit up and show up, be present for my wife and kids, things will happen...life will change, but the only thing constant in life is change anyway. I'm not going to run away to Argentina to run a beef cattle ranch next week...although it did crosss my mind briefly.

Who are you? That was the last one that bugged me. I tried to come up with all sorts of sentences that described me, and I didn't know how to put it simply. Finally, I was just tired of the whole exercise of question and answer within my muddled brain. It was a simple answer...My name is Steve and I am a child of a god that I don't understand but believe in. I am a husband and a dad. I am a son and a brother. I have a job, but it's not who I am. I try to be a the best man I can be. I make mistakes...but who doesn't? I love my family and want to do right by them. That's all there is. The rest is just gravy.

So...it was my birthday. J and the kids gave me an ipod, which was very cool. I didn't think she'd give me one considering I've washed a couple of cell phones within a year. The girls (the sea of estrogen) at work got together and bought me a new hawaiian shirt and some funky crocs (they know my fashion tastes-which of course J hates). All in all, it was a wonderful day. I think everything is just right. I don't have to ask myself those questions for at least another year.